Drink induced illness
by Are we in Scotland
Summary: The Ponds decide it would be entertaining to get the Doctor drunk, but River is furious at them both and is left to look after one very drunk time lord.


**A.N. Just a very short fic. Hope you enjoy it. Drop me a review telling me what you think if you like.**

"Mother...," River said slowly, tearing her eyes away from her delirious husband who was slumped on the TARDIS floor a fez askew on the top of his head, to glare in Amy's direction. "What in the name of sanity have you done to my husband?"

"Rory thought it would be funny to see what the Doctor was like drunk," Amy said excitedly, a little tipsy herself. "And I figured he should try a national Scottish beverage. I didn't think he would down the whole bottle of whiskey!"

"Yeah," Rory joined in in an awed voice. "The man can down a drink. Did you know that River? Can't hold his drink mind."

"Rory, you are a nurse for crying out loud," River said exasperated. "You should know better than to try and get a man drunk, it's dangerous. Just look at him, poor thing." She said gently with an obvious fondness in her tone. "And of course he couldn't hold his drink, have you seen how skinny he is and he downed a bottle of whiskey. I expect this sort of behaviour from him, but I'm disappointed at both of you for being the ones to force him into his own stupidity. I expect you to look after him when I'm not around, you're my parents and he's my husband and your best friend."

"Sorry River," Both Amy and Rory mumbled sheepishly.

"Just go home," River sighed after a couple moments of silence. "Neither of you are especially sober yourselves. I need to look after the Doctor now and I don't want you both getting in my way."

"Okay," they said quietly, heading for the door of the TARDIS hand in hand. "Sorry River." Amy mumbled again as they stepped out.

"Oh Sweetie," River said tenderly, turning and going to kneel down beside her husband. "Look what you have done to yourself. You can't down alcohol like you can your milkshake."

"River," the Doctor groaned. "River I feel all funny and my head hurts. River have I been poisoned again? Amy said that the whiskey was Scottish and that if I didn't drink it I didn't like her and I do like her, I love her, she's my best friend, so I drank it all like she said I should." Probably due to the fact that he was so ridiculously drunk, his head flopped forward onto his chest as though he had lost all control of his neck muscles.

"Wow, Sweetie, it's okay, everything will be alright."

River cursed her parents as she lifted her husband gently of the floor and had to half carry him to their bedroom. She lay him down on the bed removing his shoes and fez with care. Before sitting down next to him and stroking his hair trying to sooth him as he began sobbing.

"Sssh Sweetie," River soothed. "What is it? Can you tell me."

The Doctor rolled onto his side, lifting himself up slightly so that his head was in River's lap.

"River," the Doctor said having regressed into Gallifreyan. "River... River... River do you love me?"

"Of course I do Sweetie," River gasped, laughing slightly at the obvious absurdity of the question. "Why on Earth wouldn't I?"

"Because River," the Doctor said brightening up, seemingly to be a little more aware of himself again but no less drunk. "You've tried to kill me and you slap me all the time and you always seem annoyed at me and make me feel stupid." He finished in a mumble.

"It's called marriage Sweetie," River laughed, ruffling his hair patronisingly as if to prove her point.

"Well then, I don't think I like marriage much," the Doctor said slurring the end of the sentence. "But I kinda like being married to you, most of the time."

"And I love being married to you, and hate your fez so that makes us about even I think," River laughed, nudging him playfully.

For a long time after that they were both silent, the Doctor curled up in River's lap, his eyes closed as if he were sleeping. But River knew him too well and could tell by his rapid and sporadic breathing pattern that he was a long way from unconsciousness. She rubbed his back gently hoping that he would drop into unconsciousness soon she knew his abused system needed it.

"River, my tummy hurts," the Doctor groaned. He gasped as his stomach cramped painfully and clutched his arms tightly around his midriff rolling himself into an even tighter ball. "It hurts so bad River, alcohol is evil, bad, bad whiskey."

"Oh I know Sweetie, I definitely know how evil alcohol can be," River said sympathetically. "Do you think you are actually going to be sick Sweetheart?"

The Doctor merely nodded, scrunching up his eyes.

River leapt from the bed and ran to the door of the bedroom, returning a few minutes later with a bucket in hand. She rushed back to her husband's side handing him the bucket.

When after a few moments he still hadn't thrown up River put it on the floor by his side of the bed before lying down and wrapping her body around her husband's, she started rubbing his aching belly softly trying her hardest to sooth his queasiness but knowing it was extremely likely his queasiness wouldn't leave him until he had emptied his stomach.

"Look what you have done to your poor stomach Sweetie," River said quietly. "Please don't ever get yourself this drunk again. Even if my mother and father try to pressure you to, you just come and find me and I'll sort them both out. I can't bear to see my beautiful husband like this."

The Doctor merely groaned in response and River knew he had heard her and that he understood.

"Riv –"

The Doctor's words were cut off as he leapt towards the edge of the bed, grabbing the bucket off the floor as he began to throw up violently.

River knelt by his side holding his slightly too long hair out of his face and rubbed circles on his back.

"Well done, Doctor," River said encouragingly. "You will feel so much better once it's all out of your system."

After what seemed like a lifetime to both he and River the Doctor convulsed over the bucket bringing up no more fluids. He had completely emptied his entire system. River took the bucket from him stroking his now unnaturally pale face briefly before leaving again to dispose of the contents of the bucket.

"Sorry River," he mumbled embarrassed as she re-entered the bedroom.

"Oh, it's okay Sweetie," River replied. "I don't blame you really, you just can't seem to help yourself, you were bound to get yourself deliriously drunk at some point. I'm just glad I was around to look after you tonight, who knows what my parents would have done with you."

The Doctor groaned at River's comment.

"Rory said he would like to see me try and drive the TARDIS drunk I think," the Doctor explained. "I think Amy just wanted to see if she could get me to strip again for her."

"Oh, they are both in big trouble," River growled quietly. "Don't stress about it now though Sweetheart. Just you try and get some sleep. We can deal with my parents tomorrow."

"I love you Sweetheart," River murmured a while later, when she realised that her husband had finally dropped off into the much needed oblivion of sleep.


End file.
